How to affix a windbreak stanchion to feather-end cladding?

Thorin

Where it all started

We have a lovely pool area and an outdoor shower that just happens to live in a wind tunnel created by the way our house is situated on the hill and exacerbated by the addition of a new roof over the deck where it is installed. A month ago, I bought a retractable windbreak in an attempt to have the blow drying take place inside the house instead of outside it.

                                                Beautiful isn't it, well don't get used to it.

The kit came with a number of mounting options, and I being one of the lazier great apes, of course went with what I thought was the easiest one. as you can see in the picture above, it consisted of a single mounting bracket that screwed into the deck and the received the business end of the windbreak, holding it in place. 

All of this was working swimmingly (no pun intended... maybe) until we had a particularly gusty day (60kmph) and some **bleep** who shall remain nameless forgot to retract it after he crawled out of the pool and took his shower. 

                                                The end of an era.

When a particularly large gust snapped off the little cast iron protrusions that held the pole-assembly in place, it almost brained my eldest kid and I'm still seeing a therapist because I'm filled with the guilt and shame that this incident has brought on. Anyone with more sense than brains would know to call it a day and find another solution, but since I'm not in either camp, I'm getting back on the horse and seeing if I can't make everything so much worse! 

What I'd like to try and accomplish

Turns out that there were additional pages in the manual that described how to mount a stanchion to a masonry block wall to serve the same purpose as my now defunct pole-assembly. 

These would be great if I had a brick wall.

Unfortunately for me, I don't have any masonry to install these things on, just wooden featheredge cladding that I've heard can crack and split if one doesn't use the correct fasteners and techniques during installation. I'm still trying to get out of the doghouse about nearly taking out the kid, the last thing I need is to split a few boards off the side of the house and then have explain to my wife how I did it as part of the overall aesthetic that we're going for on the property (I like to call it car-up-on-blocks chic).

How I'd like all this to shake out

Besides my burning desire to not face the disappointed looks of my family again, it would be really nice to have a way to use this windbreak as it was intended; so, does anyone out there have any suggestions on fasteners and/or technique to use to get these wall mounts attached to this cladding without causing me additional headache, heartache, or divorce proceedings?

Thanks in advance. 

MitchellMc

Welcome to the Bunnings Workshop community @Thorin. It's exceptional to have you join us, and many thanks for your question about affixing a windbreak.

First of all, I’ve got to commend you on your question. You’ve crafted a masterpiece of a story that genuinely brought a smile to my face—this is hands-down one of the best questions I’ve seen in a while. You've really captured the drama and the humour of DIY life, and for that, I salute you. 

So, the cladding issue—no one wants to be responsible for splitting boards and triggering a whole new level of family drama (especially when it involves windbreaks and potential brain injuries). Here’s a thought: instead of trying to screw directly into the featheredge cladding, I’d recommend installing a vertical length of timber first, then fixing the stanchion to that.

A 90mm-wide piece of Merbau decking should do the trick nicely. Secure it across multiple cladding boards (to distribute the load) and then you can attach your windbreak fixings to that. The timber will act as a solid anchor, preventing the mounting system from potentially ripping out of the cladding. Ensure you pre-drill the cladding so it doesn't crack.

You’ll be able to attach your windbreak securely without the risk of ruining your cladding or risking further family trauma. Plus, it’ll probably make the wife a little happier that you're thinking ahead. 

Best of luck with round two of your windbreak installation—hopefully with fewer gusty mishaps this time.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Mitchell